My boyfriend & I went to church yesterday for the first time together. We are both church goers but this was our first venture together. We’ve both been slacking & drifting into habits that make us both a bit uncomfortable.
I’ve grown up with a primarily Catholic background & know my Bible stories & have that guilt thing down but I drifted around to several churches as an adult before settling in at the Evangelical Lutheran church where I’ve raised my sons. I love the services & have found a lot of spiritual fulfillment from them. Especially when my children & I lived in St Augustine, Florida & attended a very diverse Lutheran church down there. Our church back here at home is pretty routine & we don’t see a lot of color when we look at the other parishioners. My children miss that a lot along with a good, strong youth program. The congregation is older & the Lutherans here aren’t given to many guitar solos during service like in our old church. Don’t get me wrong I’m not at all a singing & dancing in the aisle kind of girl like some of the more progressive Christian churches are apt to have. I prefer to say my prayers, sing my songs, listen to a good sermon that just happens to hit on exactly what I have been struggling with, take communion then go have some coffee & cookies in the hall while I explain for the 10th time who’s granddaughter I am again. I personally have always added to my Bible learning by going out into the greatest show of His love & greatness–nature. I can find more peace & evidence of Him while hiking or riding my horse than I have during any church service except when I saw my oldest son take his Confirmation of his faith two years ago. Maybe that’s the Cowgirl in me & maybe it’s my Native heritage coming out. But it’s what makes me happy.
My sweet boyfriend grew up in a LDS house & comes from a really sweet family. I’ve started getting to know his sisters some through messaging on Facebook & really like them. The BF didn’t go on a Mission like some teenagers do in his church. He was a bit too wild & distracted at that time. Part of the many reasons I’m so crazy about him. He’s settled down now & after having gone through some hard times after a painful divorce like I did is wanting to get back into a more comfortable & familiar life.
I’ve grown up around Mormons & although my family is friends with many there has always been a strict taboo against dating or “gasp” possibly marrying one & converting. My dad gave me his blessing the other day on my choice of guy & it meant more to me than he could possibly know. I’ve put my parents through a lot with my poor life choices & succession of no so great guys. My parents are very conservative Christian. They’d give a person the shirt off their back but not their only daughter to the Mormon church so I’m the topic of a prayer circle, most likely. They know how in love I am with this wonderful man & are happy that their girl is finally with someone who treats her with kindness, love & equality. But the thought of me possibly converting has them worried. My best friend will barely talk to me. It’s my choice ultimately & is really only between myself & God. I enjoyed the service yesterday. People were really welcoming & the lesson was on the Commandments. Fitting since it’s Easter this Sunday. We’re both a little nervous about committing to marrying again after our last marriages but not willing to give up living together.
After yesterday we’ve come to some decisions that we can both live with. They’ll be hard to stick with but we love each other & the BF is right it’ll be worth the wait.
Singing along to “Beautiful Son” by Hole this morning as I dropped my 12 year old son off at school didn’t endear me to him. He’d listened to Bikini Kill & 7 Year Bitch on the way in with me in the pickup & was kind of wordless that such angry, angsty girl rock could make his silly mom so happy. So as he grabbed his backpack & duffel bag for his Spring Break with his dad he turned & asked me “Mom, weren’t you hugged as a child?” It made me stop for a second before I started listening to Letters to Cleo. Hmmm….. Yes I was hugged. I was loved. I was told I was pretty & smart & talented as a kid & teenager. I was just the Queen of Grunge Girl Rock with a smashing wardrobe of flannel shirts, Calvin Kleins, body shirts, Doc Martins and BIG HAIR!!! & for an hour this morning I was that wild girl again that worked hard & studied hard but on the weekends let loose & had fun & was the center of attention. Maybe I made some poor life choices along the way, but I had fun, I made memories & I got him & his brother who are the center of my world now.
But that was the pre-Mom days & right now my 12 year old is calling his 14 year old brother to tell him Mom has lost her mind again. I’d like to think of it as a parenting win, who wants a boring mom?
I can’t eat regular food & I’m so sick of eating soft foods & not eating a balanced diet because I can’t chew properly right now. I’ve tried eating noodles but I’m gaining weight and undoing all of the hard work I’ve put in to getting back into shape.
I recently had some major oral surgery done after x-rays showed an odd area on my jaw while my dentist was prepping for a root canal. I tried to ignore the warnings for a bit but after several calls from the specialists office that I’d been referred to where words such as lesion & urgent were used in the messages on my cell, I gave in, made an appointment & called my mom to go with me for support. My boyfriend was at that time living 12 hours away so my mom was great & made time from her busy schedule to go with me to offer a voice of reason when the doctor & his staff talked about aggressive, destructive growths that could possibly be tumors that were eating away at my jaw. All I could think of was the “C” word. Moms been through the “C” word before with close family & several friends so she has a more balanced perspective than her daughter who could only think of how am I going to be able to support & take care of my children with this time off from work that they’re saying I’m going to need? I haven’t had any pain or discomfort until the dentist said something was growing inside my jaw. The result was that I do have a non-cancerous giant cell granuloma in my jaw probably resulting from my wisdom teeth being severely infected before they were removed.
I had the surgery, the giant cell was removed but is now referred to by the specialist as a noncancerous tumor and a couple feet of gauze packed into my jaw & sutured. The result is that I’m not able to eat, I’m in constant pain & I was dying for pizza last night when my kids & boyfriend asked for some. I shouldn’t have eaten it. My jaw is on fire today. So my boss suggested Green smoothies to get me through until my jaw is healed 6 months or so from now. He’s a vegetarian & well read on adopting a Vegan lifestyle. So I’m looking into this thing further.
The plethora of recipes & combinations of ingredients for Green Smoothies seems to be endless and I’ve even found one today that includes peanut butter and chocolate. So maybe I can do this liquid diet my doctor prescribed. It might just help me with my Americano addiction that I’m trying to break myself of and has proven sometimes harder than when I quit smoking. When I quit smoking I knitted a huge Queen size blanket to keep my hands busy while watching Bones & Rizzoli & Isles reruns.
The only drawback from my green ambitions is the cost. I am planning on planting a garden this year so that will hopefully help some. We’ll see I’ve never grown food before so maybe I can do this & be more self sufficient & Little House on the Prairie like. I miss eating steak and for some crazy reason have a craving for Corn Nuts. I’ve never liked them before but want them now. Weird….it’s like some pregnancy craving.
The desert smoothie that I’ve found that I’m going to try tonight is a Chocolate Peanut Butter Smoothie:
- 1 banana, sliced and frozen
- 1/2 cup chocolate milk (I use chocolate Almond Milk)
- 1 tbsp peanut butter (I use crunchy)
- 1 large handful baby spinach
- Place all ingredients in blender and pulse until smooth and creamy.
- Serve immediately.
This is a recipe for one. Which means you need to make it in a single serve blender, which you can easily do using a standard blender base and a mason jar. Or you can double the recipe if you need to use a standard sized blender pitcher, and just freeze any extras for later!
If you’d like to cut down on some of the sugar, feel free to use regular milk (or almond milk) and a tablespoon of dark cocoa powder. I’ve done this several times and like it a lot– less sweet (of course), but delicious and super chocolaty!
I wonder if I could add Vodka to these smoothies to give them a kick. It would probably be counterproductive & my Mormon boyfriend probably won’t approve but Bottoms Up anyway!!
All I could say last night was “I’m sorry” after I heard the love of my life mutter “Not again” after he heard my older son start grumbling about not doing his chores again for the 4th straight night. Everybody is in a state of turmoil right now. My darling children, both boys, who are 14 & 12 are flip flopping between being happy at seeing their recently divorced Mom smiling again to not wanting another man moving into their lives & home. Their previous stepfather turned out to not be the best father & their trepidation at trusting again, coupled with teenage hormones makes for interesting conversations & shows of defiance. I’m trying to discipline myself to be a more consistent parent & to stop trying to make excuses or make up for any discomfort that they’ve had during or since the divorce & move across country to be closer to my family.
It’s hard & some days I’d rather give in & just do whatever it is I’m asking them to do myself. But after a long drive home with my love after work one day, during which he voiced his frustrations at the home situation, where he still feels like a visitor & wants to back me up when the boys dissent, but doesn’t feel it’s his place. My eyes were opened quite a bit & I’m not upset with my love at all. This is new to all of us & this is the first time he’s lived with children. He’s been married before but they weren’t able to have any children. So living with two teenage boys who can be crazy & wild & loving & fantastic all within a couple of minutes is sometimes overwhelming to him.
But he’s incredibly sweet & patient & just amazing, so I have all the hope in the world that everything will work out & am planning some hiking adventures now that it’s officially Spring for all of us to bond without the confines of the home or having to sit there & make conversation. It’s always easier when you can build on common interests & memories.
New memories & adventures of our own are just what this new family needs.